


a nightmare or two can't keep me from you

by dames_for_jamesbarnes



Series: more than a game, you and me [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Daily Life on the Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Exhaustion, F/M, Falling In Love, Female Reader, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Reader-Insert, Sleep Deprivation, nurse reader
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:47:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24549394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dames_for_jamesbarnes/pseuds/dames_for_jamesbarnes
Summary: “You’re… alive,” you whispered, and his breath rushed out of him, pulling you back into an embrace that you sob into, relief flooding every sense you had. “I thought I lost you, oh, fuck, Leonard, I thought you’d gone…”“You saved me. Y’hear me? I’m right here." He held on tight, his grip surrounding you, there for you to bury yourself into. "I'm right here."
Relationships: Christine Chapel & Reader, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott & Reader
Series: more than a game, you and me [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755634
Comments: 8
Kudos: 83





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> takes place directly after the events of "need for more." you'll probably need to read it for context.

_“You’ll never be good enough for him,” Christine laughed, and your throat closed up with the tears that were starting to form._

_“You don’t mean that,” you managed, but her smile was cruel, and your mouth fell open in horror as she just started laughing. “He cares about me, Chris.”_

_“Oh, honey. It’s just the truth. You’re… not… good enough.” With a flick of her hair she turned towards the biobed you both stood over, and another voice, too familiar echoed behind you._

_When you whirled to face it, the room had changed. No longer were you on a starship, but a Federation hospital. Starfleet Academy, seen from the window, the room empty except for the doctor by the door._

_“You’ll never be good enough. Not with that bleeding heart of yours,” he laughed, and anger rushed through you, your strides bringing you nose-to-nose with him._

_“I work here, Eric, just like you,” you snapped back. A finger raised to point at him, press into his chest. “I can expose you. To your patients, to your peers. To the whole medical community. They’ll see you for what you truly are.”_

_The shrug you got back was anything but scared, and when your finger dropped it was with the realization that he was still smiling._

_“Don’t worry. You won’t for long. As long as you keep up the act, you’ll never be good enough to work here. And you definitely won’t be good enough to save him.”_

_The scowl dropped off of your face. Something cold settled in your gut. “Who?”_

_But the only response was laughter, his head tossed back in unbridled glee, and as you stumbled back it was into Christine’s body, her own laugh pinning you between them. It was so loud it was all you could hear, all you could think about, the room shaking with it, the ground cracking under your feet._

_“Who – who do you mean?” You had to yell, but the sound was overwhelming._

_And then it hit you. Who Eric meant, and your face went pale._

_“No…”_

_“Yes.” And with a shove, you stumbled back, falling, the ground opening up beneath you, swallowing you whole, their laughter cruel and following you all the way down, down, down…_

Your eyes flew open. The scene around you vanished, replaced with the calm of your quarters. Your limbs were locked, your hands clutching at your hair, and as your heartbeat pounded against your chest you could barely breathe. It took ten minutes for your breathing to settle, for you to ground yourself with what you could – the feel of your sheets instead of sand, the sight of the time blinking at you from your alarm clock, the dryness of your mouth. 

“Computer,” you called out, “raise the lights.” 

Slowly the black lifted, and your eyes adjusted quickly, your hands reaching to pull your hair up into a knot before you thought about it too much. If you did, well. You might puke, and that wouldn’t be fun to clean up. 

“Computer. Time?” 

“The time is 0315.”

Three hours before you were supposed to wake for your shift.

And yet again, another nightmare. Third one that week, and your jaw clenched with the realization. 

They were getting worse. 

It had started pretty soon after Leonard had gotten injured. Those couple of weeks in between, when he was floating in and out of consciousness, the dreams were nothing more than haze, and you woke up from them with a start, a need to catch your breath. That was it. They didn’t seem to follow you, and often you could fall asleep right after. But these dreams? They were not those dreams. 

After you and Leonard had made up, the two of you had cemented your relationship, but all the dreams had done was escalate. Soon, they were startling you awake every other week, then every week, and finally every other day until you could barely get through a night without at least one. Sometimes you could fall back asleep, and sometimes you couldn’t, but, fortunately, all in all they’d been nothing but nebulous. A haze, a sudden start, and then you were up. The feeling of fear, with nothing to stand on. You could go on to work, let the feeling subside.

Not now. Not this. 

This was something more. These dreams, now, were your fears, your greatest fears, the ones you thought you had confronted with Leonard, had moved past. These were choking, suffocating you, as you remembered the way Eric would look at you, as you thought about Christine informing you just how incompetent you really were. She hadn’t started showing up until she’d gotten promoted, the newest head nurse a source of your feelings of inadequacy. 

With a sigh, your eyes opened. Slowly you rolled over to the edge of the bed, feet touching the cold floor. Your hands rubbed over your face, and when you stood, it was shaky. The shower was your next stop, and you managed to wash, but when you got out from the warmth, that chill still lingered. You could still hear Christine’s tone, so… so cruel. She’d never sounded like that, not really, but you could hear it, plain as day. 

You still had two and a half hours to kill, too. 

Fuck. 

-

“Y/N? Hey, Y/N? Hello?” 

Your eyes stared straight ahead, didn’t react. Didn’t move. You only startled when Christine’s hand waved in front of your face. When you looked at her, she was offering you a cup of coffee, something you took with a small smile. 

“Thanks,” you managed. “Long night.” 

“I’ll say,” she responded, raising a brow before placing a hand on your back. Slowly, she moved you back to a biobed, moving you to sit on it. “Mind if I do a few scans?” 

“I’m just tired, Christine,” you told her, but she just smiled, reaching for her tricorder to run up and down your body. 

“You look more than tired. You look exhausted, I’d say.” Her voice was matter-of-fact, almost sharp, and when you heard it you winced, closing your eyes. You still saw her, in your dream, the way she looked at you. It made her pause, and with a glance around she pulled the privacy curtain. You heard the scrape of the metal-on-metal, and when it was over you opened your eyes again, looking up at Christine. 

She didn’t say anything at first, arms crossing over her chest, but when she did her voice was soft. “Is something wrong, Y/N? Did something happen?” 

“Nothing happened, Christine,” you whispered, but Christine moved to sit next to you, a hand reaching to hold yours. “I just had a long night, like I said.” Your shoulders were hunched as she squeezed your hand. 

“A long night doesn’t make you flinch from me, Y/N,” your friend told you, and you looked up at her with a sigh before looking at the look in her face. It was concerned, more than a little, and you could almost read her mind. What you realized made your mouth fell open. “Did something happen… with your man?”

You could barely speak, the shock making you laugh, almost. “Christine, I – I had a nightmare last night,” you told her, and she just raised a brow. 

“Y/N, if you guys got into a fight or something -"

You immediately stood up. Your voice was low, hushed, as the privacy curtain couldn’t block out sound. “No. Christine, Leonard is not at fault. We did not get into a screaming match or something. He didn’t do anything.” A hand reached up to tug at your updo, and when you turned to look at her she was standing, too. “I’m serious, Christine, I had a fucking nightmare. They’ve… all I’ve been having lately.” 

That made her pause, and when you looked at her she stepped forward. “Do you want to talk about them?” 

“No, Christine,” you mumbled, but she kept pushing, taking another step towards you. 

“Y/N, we can just chat. There’s no patients right now…” 

“I’m _fine_ , Head Nurse Chapel,” you snapped. Her eyes widened, and you sighed, reaching up to rub your fingers on your temples. How were you supposed to say that she’d become a central figure? How could you take that back? 

Her hands raised in surrender, but you just sighed, reaching to pull the privacy curtain back again. “I’m okay, Christine,” you told her. “Really, I am. But I have a shift.” 

You knew there’d be eyes on you – it wasn’t exactly inconspicuous – but you ignored them to go back to your desk, looking over the appointments and what was coming up. 

You didn't meet her eyes for the rest of the day. When you apologized, it was quick, and she just managed a small smile at you. 

“You should tell him about it, Y/N. And if not him, then me, and if not me, then Scotty.” Her voice was sweet, and when you sucked up all your guilt and looked at her she was nothing but a small smile and a kind voice. “Really. It’ll make you feel better.” 

“Leonard’s got other things to worry about,” you told her. “And. Really. I’m fine.” 

“Y/N…”

“Christine. Really. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta get some food.” You started walking out, walking backwards, offering the smallest hint of a smile. “I’ll see you later, okay?” 

You didn’t stay to hear her reply. 

-

_This. This was bliss._

_Your eyes scanned the horizon, watching the ocean pushed and pulled the sand, feeling the waves just barely tickle your toes. The chair you were sitting in didn’t budge, but you reached down to pile a little more sand against the legs anyway. Reassurance for your mind, so that you could continue basking in the sunshine. Your eyes fluttered closed, the warmth infectious, your limbs loose…_

_“Please tell me you’re wearing sunscreen, darlin’. That ball in the sky might look far away, but it’ll kill ya.”_

_The voice sent a different kind of heat through you. The low gravel, the way it lingered in your ears. It made your eyes open, and you offered a smile as you look up, shielding your eyes from the aforementioned sun._

_“Now, Leonard. I thought we decided to enjoy shore leave,” you teased, and he chuckled in reply. You were glad that he’s managed to at least lose the tension in his shoulders, let the sun freckle them maybe through the white t-shirt he had donned._

_His sunglasses slid a little down his nose, and he peered over them, an exaggerated look over making you roll your eyes. “Oh, don’t worry. I’m definitely enjoying the view.”_

_“I’m sure you are.” Your eyes turned back toward the sea, and you find yourself scanning the area again. Taking it all in. When you looked back, you were grinning. “You know, Jim recommended I tie you to a chair. Make you enjoy the sunshine.”_

_But when you looked up, Leonard wasn’t facing you. His mouth had fallen open, his sunglasses in danger of falling._

_“Leonard?” Your voice was still light, but he didn’t look at you, and your whirled around to see where he’s facing._

_Silence. An ominous nothing. A crowded beach, suddenly empty. The sun, once so bright, vanished, and the cloudy sky made a chill settle over the air._

_“Leonard, maybe we should head back to the… the parking lot,” you said, and the hairs on the back of your neck stood up. You whirled around to face him, ready to urge him back to where you’re staying on-planet._

_But… but Leonard was_ hurt _. Bleeding, both hands of his cupped over where the gash was, where his side was sliced open. And when your eyes dropped to where he stood, the sand was bloodied. Slowly, steadily, it pooled. Spread. The deep red washed over your feet as you leapt to standing position. The tide came it, splashed you, and the feeling made stumble backwards, each step dragging his blood with you. You knew it was his blood, you saw it – you saw him, stumble in, Jim holding him up, looking so damn pale it scared you, the hole in his side from skin ripped like it was paper, his leg broken so bad it looks near close to ninety degrees. He had moaned out your name, at that point, calling to you, reaching for you, and you froze. You froze on him and watched as he bled out onto the floor of the med bay…_

_“Y/N…”_

_His voice was so loud in your ear, it echoed around the whole damn ship. You heard it on Commander Spock’s communicator, a ship-wide broadcast that made your hands come up to your ears. “No.” Leonard. He was dead, and you killed him, you knew it, your gut clenching with horror._

_“Y/N…”_

_“No!” Your head was pounding, and all you could hear was Leonard’s voice. It bounced all around, mocking you, haunting you. “No, please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you begged. “I’m sorry, please, no…”_

_“Y/N!”_

Your eyes flew open. Your chest hurt so bad, for a split second your mind went to "heart attack," "pulmonary embolism." But as your lungs forced air out and yanked it back in, it all flooded back, every second of that horrific vision. 

Leonard. 

Before you could think you were dressing, your chest moving with your rough heaves of air. A shirt, yanked over your head, and nothing else mattered except getting out of there, getting to safety. You couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t think, and so your feet carried you to the only place you felt you could go, pounding on the sliding door. 

He had to be okay. God, what if he wasn’t okay? 

When it opened, you were falling forward, into a chest, and the body you rushed into stumbled back, back into the quarters. You were caught, thankfully, but it was with hands holding you at an arm’s distance, and when you looked up into his eyes they were squinted, Leonard’s hair in wild directions and his mouth twisted into a scowl. 

“What the hell – Y/N?” 

“I just – I needed… oh, _god_ …” 

You couldn’t speak. Anything you tried to say got caught in your throat, and when his daze cleared slowly his face transformed from frustration to concern. Concern that evolved into worry as you shoved past him into his room and promptly vomited into the waste chute. 

“Y/N, what the hell happened to you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” 

A blink. Two. Three. Your head lifted, and you stumbled to stand, but even shaking your head didn’t clear it. The room didn’t change, dark and deep and unclear, and you felt tears begin to well up in your eyes, blurring the quarters further into obscurity. 

“Y/N, it’s me, okay? Computer, lights, 45%. Y/N, it’s Leonard. Can you hear me? I’m right here, it’s all right.” 

You could, you could hear him, but the sound of his voice was soft, nothing like what filled your head just moments before. And it couldn’t be him, not really.

You had just watched him die, after all. 

Slowly the room began to focus. The tears, built up enough, fell down your cheeks. And when you finally looked at the man across from you, your vision cleared enough to see him, to see Leonard, eyes wide, face pale, and arm reaching out to you. 

“I’m right here, darlin’,” he whispered, and a guttural cry tore out of you as you stumbled forward to reach him. When you collided, his arms wrapped so tightly around you that for a moment your breath was gone, and you ended up sobbing into his bare chest. 

“You – you died,” you stuttered out, and his arms squeezed you. Your own hands, shaking, were trapped between your bodies, leaving you unable to find where he was hurt, where the wound was. “Leonard, I watched, I watched you die, and there was so much – so much blood – and then you were just gone…"

“I didn’t, I didn’t die, Y/N,” he hissed out, and he pulled away from you to cup your face in his hands. The tears didn’t stop, but he did his best to wipe them away. “You saved me, remember? I got hurt, but you saved me. You and Christine, and Dr. M’Benga.”

He sounded so sure, but it was so fresh. The way the blood seemed to lap at your ankles, the smell of it, copper clogging every sense you had. 

“Y/N? Look at me. Not through me, at me,” he urged, and your focus, over his shoulder, snapped back to him, to his face. The color had returned, and he looked… vibrant, lifelike, real. “I’m here. Right now, I’m right here.” His hands, almost blistering hot, reached down to cover yours, lifting them to his face so you could feel his clean shave, moving down his cheek over his neck. You could feel his pulse, pounding through the skin. As you stared at his face, slowly you let yourself look into his eyes, your gaze darting back and forth between them. 

“You’re… alive,” you whispered, and his breath rushed out of him, pulling you back into an embrace that you sob into, relief flooding every sense you had. “I thought I lost you, oh, fuck, Leonard, I thought you’d gone…”

“You saved me. Y’hear me? I’m right here.” He held on tight, his grip surrounding you, there for you to bury yourself into. "I'm right here." 

-

An hour later, your legs were crossed on his bed, and a mug held something warm and hot he got for you to nurse. Your fingers curled tightly around the drink so that you could snag every inch of heat, bolstering the efforts of the sweatshirt he’d let you borrow from his drawers. “Georgia Bulldogs” was scrawled across your chest in bold vintage letters because of it, and normally that’d get some kind of grin from him, but he was too busy gathering the clothes you had sweat through into a pile. 

“Look, I’ll call in,” he reminded you, again, the bundle of clothes set in a chair before he turned to look at you. “You know we don’t get much more than broken fingers and fistfights on a day we’re not planning an expedition.” 

“I have a job that I have to report to, too, y’know,” you sighed back, but it was weak, barely biting as he came and settled next to you. “You don’t have to babysit, I’m a big girl.” 

“It’s not ‘babysitting’,” Leonard told you, and before you could stop yourself you were curling into him, his arm instinctively wrapping around your shoulders. He was like a furnace, and you turned your nose into him, taking a deep breath to catch remnants of his cologne from the evening before. “And like hell I’m lettin’ you catch that shift anyway. You need to rest. I’m not your primary physician, but I can still make that call.” 

Any fight you had in you wilted. Working didn’t seem appealing in that moment anyway, not when all you saw when you closed your eyes was a body bag in a biobed. “You really gonna offer me a prescription? It was a nightmare, Leonard. It happens,” you sighed, and you felt his smile against your hair before you felt the kiss. 

“At the very least, a day in bed.” His free hand reached to snatch the mug away from you, your grip loosening as you sunk into his embrace. But when he pulled away, the cup now safe on the bedside table, you caught the glimpse of his frown. 

“What’s that look for?” you asked, and when he looked down at you his brow was furrowed. You could feel him tense up through his clothing, and after a moment without a response, you pulled back from his grasp, meeting his gaze. “Leonard. What?” 

“Darlin’,” he murmured, and your jaw clenched, not liking where this was going. “Christine came to me the yesterday. Said… well, mentioned that you hadn’t been sleeping well.”

“… did she?” Your voice was tight, and his hands moved to run up and down your arms, trying to comfort, soothe. “Well. Seems like a betrayal of confidence.” 

One hand immediately moved to guide your chin, making your eyes meet. “It was a slip of the tongue, Y/N. She didn’t mean to, but I had made a comment about how rundown everyone seemed to be and it just happened to come up. You weren't on shift, so I couldn't ask you,” he said quickly, cutting off that train of thought before it could fester in your tired mind. The fact that Christine and Leonard had discussed it at all still hurt, but you let your body relax, nodding for him to continue. “I got worried, I asked her to talk about it, and. I just need to know… are they all like that?” 

“You don’t have to be worried, Leonard, I’m fine,” you snapped, crossing your arms over your chest, but Leonard shook his head. 

“Christine didn’t exactly start the worry. You think I haven’t noticed how worn you’ve been looking? Your eyes barely stay open more than a few minutes.” When you pulled away, it was because his eyes were so sad, and you had to push away from it before you started crying all over again. 

Eventually, you felt hands on your shoulders. You didn’t fight it, but your eyes didn’t meet his until after the pregnant pause. 

“Y/N. Are the nightmares all like that?” 

He was concerned. He had the right to be. He was your partner, he was there for you, and you knew that. You also trusted him, more than anyone else on the damn ship, right up there with Christine and Scotty. 

Still. The way his eyes seemed to take you all in made you feel just as vulnerable as the day he’d gotten blasted, and you felt bare without a chance to cover up. 

“Are they?” 

A moment passed, and you opened your mouth to answer, but something caught in your throat, and your eyes closed tight as you nodded.

“God, Y/N. Why didn’t you mention them sooner? How long’s this been goin’ on? How long have you had ‘em?” He wasn’t yelling, he wasn’t even loud. But the questions were bombarding you, one after the other, and you had to stand, wrenching yourself from his grip. The physical distance in that moment was what stopped you from bolting, a hand reaching up to curl into your own hair. 

“I – I don’t know, Leonard. It was, fuck, it was after you recovered, and I thought they’d go away,” you blurted. He stood to follow you, but you took a step back, reaching out to make him just wait, just wait a damn second while you explained. “And then, they didn’t. They just didn’t. They got worse, but you were past it, way past it, and I didn’t want to weigh you down with them. You needed rest, not… not me knocking on your door in the middle of the night.” 

The hand you held out to him started shaking. He reached out to you again, and this time you didn’t pull away, letting him inch closer so he could wrap you up again, hold you against his body. 

“I’m sorry.” You were crying, now, an aftershock of the horror. There was no scramble to grasp reality, just a flood of guilt, of shame out of nowhere. “I know, I should’ve told you, but I really thought they’d be gone by now.” 

“Don’t be, god, don’t be sorry about a damn thing,” he whispered. His voice sounded pained. “It wasn’t any of my business if you didn’t want to tell me. Just. Know, that you can tell me. Anything.” 

Moments passed you by. They could be hours. But before long, you realized he was slowly leading you back to bed, and your eyelids were starting to heavy again. It was exhaustion, emotional and mental limbo, that helped you settle against him when the blankets were thrown to the side. His warmth and the weight of your covers added to the daze. 

The world faded in and out for the rest of the night. Every so often, you’d startle awake, remembering the horrors you saw, a full nightmare unable to take shape but a new scenario making your blood run cold. And each time, he’d be there. Same place, curled around you, sometimes just watching and waiting so he could give a little smile. 

You were conscious, but only just, when you heard Leonard’s voice, low, muttered. Felt the vibrations of it in his chest.

“Four years of medical school,” he whispered. “Four years of undergrad in fucking Mississippi. Years of experience, on this goddamn starship. I’ve seen humanoids and alien races that’d make your eyes bulge outta your head, and even after all of that... seeing you like that was the most scared I've ever been.” 

His credentials. Bullet points, like a resume, for no one to hear but the computer all around. He thought you were sleeping, surely.

“I wish I had a prescription, Y/N, for nightmares. A shot, a pill. You’re... so exhausted you can hardly stand, and I can’t – I can’t do anything. I can’t help put those away for good. I wish I could. I really do."

His breath shuddered. You felt him shift, and one of his hands lifted. You could see it without looking up, him pinching the bridge of his nose, his hand moving through his hair. One of his tells. His signs. 

“But… Y/N, I promise you I'm _alive_. I’m here.” His voice, previously floated above your head, was now in your ear, urgent, fierce in its conviction. “I’m gonna be here, you got it? I’m here, and I’m holding you, and I’m never gonna let you go. Do you hear that? I’m right here.” 

And, thank the stars, that’s what you fell asleep to. Next to him, his warmth around you. 

-

When you woke up, there was humming. 

For a moment, the world was blurry, just enough that your heart rate spiked and your body froze. Another nightmare, another terror. You waited for it to take shape, and then… realized it wasn’t. There was no shifting. No sudden change in the wind. 

Your hand lifted to rub at your face, and with it the bed shifted. The humming got a little louder, and you realized Leonard was still there. Still in bed with you, barely moved from when you’d fallen asleep against him. When you shifted again, Leonard moved with you – one of his hands lifted to rest in your hair, the other holding the PADD. 

You didn’t say anything immediately, just let yourself soak it in. The fingers in your hair settled on your scalp, scratching along the skin. 

“A head massage,” you finally grumbled out, after a few minutes of lingering, relishing in the touch that Leonard was giving, letting it pull you in and out of a doze. 

“Consider it my prescription,” Leonard replied, not taking his eyes off his PADD. “Problems of the head solved with direct intervention.” 

“Problems of the head?” you asked, raising a brow, and when you lifted to level him with a look he turned to give a smile that could almost be called… sheepish. 

“Wrong choice of words,” he offered, and you scoffed, rolling your eyes and rolling over, face going first onto the pillow next to you. 

“What time is it?” you grumbled, and Leonard took a moment. His hand moved away to swipe away something from the PADD, and at the motion you might’ve whined. 

“What? It’s 1100 hours, you got somewhere to be?” 

Another groan as you rolled up to face the ceiling. “I didn’t tell you to stop rubbing my scalp, doctor. Not an effective treatment if you stop before we can see results.” 

He gave a chuckle, and this time you were able to see the full thing. The way he smiled, the look on his face as he gazed down at you. As his fingers resumed in your hair, scratching and rubbing, you stared right back, brow furrowing before he used his fingers there to gently rub it away. A thumb, running over your forehead, and your tension slowly faded, your eyes closing. 

“You know, you snore.” 

Your eyes shot open at that. When you lifted yourself up this time it was all the way, sitting up, blanket pushed down to just over your legs. “I’m sorry?” 

Leonard didn’t even look at you, just reached again to swipe and back down, this time letting his fingers massage against your shoulder, grazing them against your neck. “You snore. Just a little. At least, you were, while you were snoozing there.” 

Your snort left you before you could think, and you quickly lifted yourself out of the bed. “I’m going to shower,” you stated, smirking. When he saw you moving to the bathroom, though, the doctor stood as well, reaching to grab your wrist. 

“Y/N. Come on. There’s nowhere to be. Give yourself this. Who knows how much sleep you need to catch up on?” 

But when your eyes looked toward the bed, there was hesitation in them. Who knew what waited for you when you closed your eyes again? How would you watch him die this time?

After a moment, he stepped close to you, cutting off the bed from your vision. You had to blink away the daze, but he was there, cupping your cheek with one hand. “Please. Sweetheart. Your next shift isn’t for two days. I had another doc fill in the blanks for me. Give yourself this? This break?” 

Your eyes closed, and you felt the exhaustion settle back in your bones. His hand was basically holding your head upright, and when your eyes opened again you found yourself letting eyes meet. 

“Yeah,” you finally murmured. As you looked at him, you saw his own furrowed brow smooth, a smile that could almost be a grin stretch over his features. Both hands lifted to cup your cheeks this time, and when he leaned down to kiss you, it was sweet. He pulled away long enough to move you both back towards the bed, but his hands never left you, and when you were just breathless enough, his arms wrapped around you in a tight embrace, one that made your heart beat steady, your breath smooth out. 

“I do not snore,” you managed even as your eyes drooped close, your nose pressed against his chest. “Asshole.” 

“I’ll let you know when you wake up. Maybe it was a one-time thing,” Leonard murmured, right in your ear, but at that point you’d already drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eric was the name decided for the asshole doctor who was mentioned in the previous part. no offense to any erics out there.


	2. Chapter 2

The rest of the day was spent in the same fashion. Dozing, waking up. Leonard was always close, at the very least in the room. Most of the time, when you woke up after your hour-long-naps he was napping himself, or close enough that when your eyes opened his fingers were immediately in your hair, running through it, catching in the kinks. 

And… no nightmares. 

No matter how many times you fell asleep, or woke up, or lingered in bed, there were no terrors that jolted you awake. Nothing that scared the shit out of you enough to settle into your subconscious. 

Just sleep. Sleep and Leonard and a lazy day, culminating in your fingers grazing over his scar, staring at the place where his wounds had been. You were straddling his hips, and the whole time he just stared up at you, blinking a few times as you lingered over the spot.

“I have nightmares about it, too,” he told you, and your eyes flickered up from his abdomen. It was a slow crawl up his body, up from the jut of his hips and along the faint scarring that remained. Eventually, your eyes met his, and the corners of his lips quirked up with amusement, before his signature furrowed brow appeared. 

“The pain was a good chunk of ‘em. The burning of the stomach wound, my leg, of course, but. More than anything it’s the fear.” His voice was tight, and you realized with a start the shine of his eyes wasn’t from the gentle glow of the lights above head. “The fear of… that whole moment. It gets broken down, and I see… you, and I see Jim, and the whole damn crew mournin’ me. Sometimes you’re not – sometimes I see your anger, the way we left things off and the only thing left of us is silence. I see my body. Left behind. Shot into space. Whatever.”

His breath caught, and before you thought about it your hands were cupping his face, stroking over the hint of scruff from his day lounging with you, thumbs over his cheeks. 

“But when I wake up, I think about you, and… the fact that right now, we’ve got each other. And though the nightmares don’t stop, they started fadin’, and now. In between there’s so much good that the bad doesn’t matter anymore.” 

“Leonard,” you got out, and a warm hand moved to settle on your hips calloused fingers against your skin. They settled under the sweatshirt you wore, stroking back and forth. 

“Y/N, I know it’s – I know there’s a lot in that brilliant brain of yours, but. Know that whatever’s fillin’ it, whatever you’re thinkin’ about? I want to listen.” His voice was fierce, and when your thumb moved against his cheek again, his free hand reached for it, gripping it tight. “You can trust me. Okay?” 

And when you nodded, falling forward to rest your head against his chest, you believed him.

Eventually, the next day came, which gave you both plenty to think about, and after a full 36 hours in Leonard’s quarters with him, plenty of sudden alone time. 

Your nightmares had scared you. That’s why you hadn’t said anything, not really. It’d been a few months since the incident had even happened, and you felt like you had no right to have nightmares about something that hadn’t been your problem. It was Leonard’s trauma. It was Leonard’s horror story. 

Add onto the fact that the two of you had been, well, thriving. The two of you were truly partners, now, with pseudo-dates on observation decks and the dining hall as well as nights in. Nights with nightmares were the low point, among so many highs.

And so you had gone to shifts, exhausted, but pushing through. Until the end hadn’t come. No matter what you tried, no matter how long or how deep or how well you were determined to sleep… all you saw was Leonard dying. Eric throwing you to the dogs. It was on repeat, back and forth. 

Over. And over. And over. 

And so your hands started shaking, your eyes could barely stay open, which led to Christine finding out, which led to Leonard finding out about it, something you specifically hadn’t wanted to happen. 

But what had Leonard done? Nothing but gentleness, support, and the best head massages you’d ever gotten. 

And love. There was that, too.

When you arrived back in your quarters, it was for fresh clothes that weren’t wrinkled from being on Leonard’s floor, or piled in his chair. But when you got there, the sight of your own bed made your stomach churn. Perfectly made, undisturbed, but the thought of sleeping there was… more than unappealing. 

For one thing, the last time you’d slept in that bed, you’d had a nightmare. For another… you wouldn’t wake up next to Leonard. And that was enough to have your heart pound. 

“Oh, god,” you said with a groan. “I’m in love with the man.” 

In love. You were in love with him. The kind of distinction that middle schooler would make, but it was the only one that made sense, the only one that accounted for the feeling of dread of being back to bed alone. It was more than the loss of touch, more than the need for sex or affection. It was… something bigger. 

You weren’t clingy, either. No matter how short the time felt between that first time in the sickbay and now, you just knew. It was love. 

No one else could get to you like he could. Not Christine or anyone else on that damn starship. He pushed your buttons. He made you laugh. He fucked you until your thighs shook. He hugged you so tight you couldn’t think about anything else, and he kissed you until you were breathless. He scowled and snapped and smiled and smirked and all you were helpless to it. 

You couldn’t imagine your life without him. 

You wouldn’t. You refused to. 

With a soft sigh, you looked around the place, the quarters you called your own, and with a shake of your head you moved to the bed, sitting down with heavy sigh. 

You had to tell him. After all, he did want to know what was going on in that head of yours. 

But, trying to figure out the perfect time to say it didn’t come easily. Or really, come at all. 

The next few days were a shitshow, essentially. Prepping and docking at a station, where there was a required Federation inspections and resupply of the ship over a week. Nothing more than a pit stop that left the whole crew scrambling to look good. You and Leonard didn’t do much together, couldn’t do much. Everyone had their jobs to do and while the Enterprise was a fantastic vessel, there was a lot that Captain Kirk let his crew do simply because he trusted each of them to do whatever they needed in order to work effectively and efficiently. So, you saw each other occasionally, kissed in hallways or when you took lunches and dinners, offered lone smiles across the biobed, but by the time the day ended exhaustion barely covered it. Your shifts didn't overlap much, but when they did your schedules were booked. 

You did end up staying in his room, though. More often than not, the two of you ended up walking towards the same quarters, his hand on the small of your back. It became a routine in the madness, and your nightmares faded with the close proximity, the feeling of him holding you from behind as you slept. Your clothes began to migrate to his rooms, along with your toothbrush, your skin care. (You still argued over snoring, but you refused to listen or watch any computer evidence that would prove otherwise.) The routine worked, really worked, and for the rest of the preparation the two of you felt like you had a handle on it. 

And then, the inspections began. The admirals began working their way through the ship. Too damn early, your hands were holding two cups of coffee when you walked into the sickbay, and Leonard was there yelling at three men in gray uniforms who looked like they were about to piss themselves. 

“You idiots know what sterile means? It means that if you touch it, it’s useless to me!” he snapped, his jaw clenched as he got up in the faces of the one closest to the front. 

“It – it was an accident, the box just dropped.” One of them stammered it out, but Leonard just scoffed, shaking his head.

“If the plastic snaps,” he sounded out, slowly, grinding his teeth, “it is exposed to the environment and I cannot and will not treat patients with it!” 

His voice echoed off of the place, and everyone seemed to be staring – the other nurses, some others in blue who were helping unloading. Everything was at a standstill, except Leonard. One hand on his hip, one gesturing up to the sky in disbelief before it dropped to his side. 

The whole scene gave you a small smile, and slowly you sidled up to him, offering one of the cups of coffee, watching him until he reached for it. When he did, you looked at the grey uniforms, smiling gently at them and reaching to direct the towards the door. “I think we got it from here, boys. Thanks for your help.” 

They filed out, and you slowly watched them go. When you turned back to the room, everyone seemed to have settled on their tasks, the blue shirts taking over stocking the shelves, the nurses smiling to themselves as you walked to the CMO. Leonard just stood there, nursing the coffee, and you reached up to place a hand on his arm. 

“Why don’t we take a walk?” 

The two of you moved out of the sickbay, walking a little way down the hall so that no one in the sick bay could overhear. The hallways were busy, but most people had their own problems, leaving the two of you somewhat private. 

“Leonard, it’s the last day of a long week,” you murmured to him, stroking his arm up and down. “Don’t you think making a few guys just trying to do their jobs shit themselves is a little overkill?” 

His lips quirked up a little bit, but when he looked at you there was still tension in his features, in the way he held his shoulders. “I hate these days,” he muttered, and you reached up to cup his cheek with your hand. “Makes me feel like a med student all over again.” 

“But you’re not,” you whispered, and you glanced around before leaning up to cup his cheek, something more than the two of you were used to doing in public. Even though everyone knew about you guys, you still wanted to keep it on the downlow, especially at work. “You’re the chief medical officer of the starship Enterprise, the best damn ship in any system. No one doubts you. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. Okay?” 

If you squinted, you thought you could make out the faintest hints of a blush, maybe from the praise, maybe from the kiss in public. But, either way, he kissed you back, gently on the lips, before pulling back and gently tapping your nose with his index finger. 

You could say it. Right then and there, while your lips still hummed with the contact. While you stared up at him, your gaze meeting his. His face had gone stoic again, but you could see that his guard was back down. 

You could just say it. 

“Don’t go too far, Y/N,” he said, before turning back towards the sickbay. 

You were shocked into a scoff, the moment lost, the instant gone. “You do know I work with you, right?” 

He waved over his shoulder, and when he turned the corner you sighed, crossing your arms over your chest, thinking about how many more times you would blow it. 

The week continued. Every day, grey uniforms blurred together and a couple of admirals came aboard, led by Captain Kirk and Commander Spock through the space floor by floor. There didn’t seem to be any reason to worry about citations, Scotty had told you, after his deck had been scrubbed over. 

“Everything was clean as a whistle,” he bragged, pulling his shoulders back, leaning back in his chair. “A couple of them commented on my adjustments to the warp engines, but I just informed them that with these tactics the Enterprise would be flying faster than any ship in the whole system.” 

“Yeah, well, we get them up in Medical tomorrow,” you sighed, rolling your eyes. Your meal was done, barely touched as you felt your knee bounce up and down. “Leonard’s just been inching closer and closer to the breaking point since this week started. Not much I can do to calm him down when he gets riled up besides just let him breathe.” 

“Well, I get it!” Scotty stood from his chair with a start, reaching up to scratch at his head before grabbing his plate. The hall was clearing out of the last rotation, a new flood of crew ready for chow coming in. “I mean, the Enterprise is my lady, y’know? If someone came down and told me I was doing a bad job with her? I’d be devastated. I’m sure Dr. McCoy is feeling the same way.” 

“Yeah, and extremely, extremely stressed,” you sighed. You pushed around the food a little bit more, but eventually just stood with him, walking towards disposal. “I’m just ready for the stress of this all to go away.” 

“Well, stress on the Enterprise never really goes away, but don’t worry, lass,” Scotty said with a smirk, taking your plate from you. “I think you’ll all be just fine. Just give it time, be there for him. It’ll work out the way it’s supposed to.” 

-

The bed jerked suddenly, making your eyes flutter open as the blankets you had tangled around you pulled at your skin. You managed a groan of complaint, but the sharp words that almost left you got caught in your throat when you saw the man next to you was sitting up straight. 

“Leonard,” you mumbled, rubbing at your eyes, the daze from sleep leaving you when you realized that he was panting, breathing so fast you could barely count them. “Whoa, whoa, Leonard, what’s going on?” 

“Y/N,” he mumbled, and his hands reached up to rub at his eyes. Both of them, at once, frantically wiping away what they could before he turned to look at you. His gaze was… bleary, like he was barely seeing you, and your hands reached out to him before you could think. 

“Leonard, it’s me,” you whispered. His gaze didn’t meet your eyes, just slowly moved back to his hands, which had fallen to his lap. You reached to grab one, interlocking your fingers, and the man just shuddered, his free hand once again lifting to rub at his eyes. 

“You’re… you’re here?” he asked, voice trembling, and you immediately moved to your knees, edging closer so that you could wrap your arms around his back. Skin to skin, your free hand rubbing circles on his arm. “You’re still here?”

“Yeah, Leonard,” you whispered, pressing kisses to his cheek, his hairline. “I’m here.” Slowly, your fingers trailed over his shoulder, before squeezing his arm. “You want to talk about it?” 

He didn’t speak for a moment, and you waited, watching. His eyes squeezed shut with the memories, but as your fingers kept moving over his skin his tension leaked out of him, exhaustion taking over. His shoulder dropped from their defensive position, and his eyes lifted again to look at you. 

“It was… it was the ambush,” he whispered. “But. But you were down there. Instead of me.” 

Your throat closed up, and you bit your lower lip so you didn’t make a sound, just kept rubbing his shoulder and moved to let your fingers run over his back, slow circles doing their best to press on. 

“It was like it was on-screen,” he murmured. “On the bridge. Watching you. Watching you get hurt, and… and fall to the ground. And I was on the ship, and Jim down there with you, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t do a damn thing. I was stuck in fuckin’ space, while you –“ His voice couldn’t go on anymore, and you were glad for that mercy, letting your embrace around him tighten into a hug, your lips pressing firm kisses into his hair. 

There was silence. There had to be. Your grip didn’t lessen, and his breaths came out ragged, and the two of you held there, for that moment, fearful. Pained. Mourning, almost. 

But slowly, steadily, you moved back to sit, cross-legged on the bed, and ever so gently your fingers moved to his hair, combing through it, smoothing it back. The movement made his eyelids droop, and your hands slowly brought him to your lap, letting his head rest there, on your thigh. 

“Leonard,” you whispered, when the quiet was too much, or rather, just enough. “I love you, you know that? And you… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

His silence was deafening, but you forced yourself to push on, fingers continually pushing through his hair, eyes turning down to watch as a hand of his rested on your knee. 

“I love you. I love everything about you. I love your highs and your lows, I love your gentle hands and your incredible hair and your little smirk you get when I do something that makes you want to kiss me. I love your voice and your head massages and… and everything. I love you. And… and god, no matter what happens to me? To us. It’ll always be worth it. Knowing I met you, and get to love you.” 

A short gasp left him, and you felt something wet trickle down your thigh, but you didn’t think, just tilted his head until he could look at you, and your eyes could meet. A hand lifted, a thumb reaching down to wipe his cheek, push the tears away. 

“I’m _alive, Leonard_ ,” you reminded him. Urged him, as you leaned down to kiss his temple. “I’m here. And I’m gonna be here, all right? Unless they drag me off of this damn ship.” 

His eyes widened a bit, but before he could stop himself, he nodded. Quick dip of his chin. And you leaned down to kiss him, both hands on his cheeks, before he could think anything more of you being gone. 

“Sleep, darlin’,” you whispered, adding a bit of a tinge of a drawl to pull a hint of a smile from him. His eyes were closing again, and you slowly moved him back to a position that wouldn't have his back screaming in the morning. "I’ll be here when you wake up.”

-

The next morning, when Leonard woke up to his alarm, you were brushing your teeth in the bathroom. You knew he was awake when you heard his groan, signature to his favorite pastime – opening his eyes before 7:00 AM. 

You poked your head out of the bathroom to look at him, quickly finishing up and spitting out the suds, rinsing your mouth. Your mind briefly turned to the night before, your eyes closing as you thought about what you said, how much you meant it. But Leonard didn’t deserve doubts now. You meant every word, and… well. You’d let it stand. 

You poked your head out of the bathroom to check on him, before wiping your face and moving to the bed. His face was still down in the pillow, and you smiled gently before reaching to turn off the alarm. 

“Hey, Leonard,” you whispered. “I know it’s shitty, but. It’s time to go to work.”

His response was another groan, but it was more questioning than pure complaint. You smiled, before leaning down to kiss his neck, down his back, on some of your favorite marks and freckles. 

“You know it’s time to get up,” you told him, a hand reaching to ruffle his hair before you stood up again. One of your uniforms was hanging in his closet, and you moved to get it, reaching to pull your sleepshirt over your head. 

As you tossed your shirt side you couldn’t help but shiver, and you heard Leonard shifting in the bed. “And a view like that is supposed to help me get out of bed?” His voice was low, roughened, and you smiled, but didn’t turn around, instead reaching for your uniform and walking towards the bed. 

“Don’t tease me, doctor,” you said, one hand on your hips, the other holding the hanger. You watched his eyes scan you, watched them linger over your breasts and trace your form downwards before flicking back up to meet your eyes. “Big day today, no time for it.” 

“Who says I need to tease?” he asked, voice nonchalant. He sat up, reaching for you, and with a sigh you moved towards him, trying to repress a smile and failing miserably as he pulled you into his lap. 

“It’s half the fun, my favorite chief medical officer,” you pointed out, and his groan this time was pressed into your skin, lips trailing over your collarbone down between your breasts, but you let out a small ‘tsk,’ gently untangling yourself even as your skin erupted into goosebumps. “And we don’t have time for fun. We have work to do today.” 

And he knew that. He did. But you watched as he instead leaned down to kiss your skin again, right over your heart.

His eyes glanced back up at you, and this time you didn’t let him press against you, brow furrowing as a hand reached for his chin, tilted his gaze upward. 

“Hey,” you whispered. “You all right?” 

For a moment, you saw a flicker of what you saw last night – the fear settling like a shadow across his features, his tight swallow more signature than anything you’d seen before. With a small smile, you leaned down to peck his lips, before pulling him into a hug. 

Just a hug, nothing more, but nothing less. For a moment he didn’t reciprocate it, but then you felt his arms move to wrap around you, fingers digging into your back as he took a moment to breathe. 

“I’m here,” you told him again, urged him to hear. “I told you I would be.” 

“I know, Y/N, I know,” he whispered. “I just. I’m glad to see it. See you.” 

Your throat closed up, but you just nodded, and even though the minutes were ticking down, you both soaked up the touch. Needing it. Craving it. 

-

Of course, the day had to continue. The two of you dressed without any fun to be had, even though when the emotion settled, he was sure to give you a few more once-overs anytime you glanced over to him. 

“It’s my uniform,” you scoffed, sliding your shoes on with an eye roll. 

“And you wear it incredibly well,” he argued, raising a brow. “Don’t tell me you don’t know it, either.” 

“Oh, I do,” you laughed, standing up and smoothing down the white skirt, moving over to kiss him on the cheek before moving to the bathroom to do your hair. 

In the end, the med bay of the starship Enterprise passed with flying colors. Leonard and Christine wouldn’t have settled for anything less, and the admiral who conducted the look shook his hand with such vigor that you knew a couple of people would be getting firm commendations. As soon as the admiral left, of course, everyone let out a deep sigh of relief, and both the leads agreed that the whole team deserved a day off. 

“We’re docked right now, aren’t we?” he pointed out. “If anyone has a problem, they can go to the med bay on the station. Dismissed… and good work.” 

It was the highest compliment, to be sure, and eventually, everyone had filed out, with only you and Leonard lingering behind. And as soon as Christine left, with a handshake and a hug between the two of you (and another deserved apology), you rushed forward to wrap the doctor in a tight hug. He reciprocated firmly, almost collapsing into you, but you held him up, fingers curling into his blue shirt. 

“I’m proud of you, okay?” you whispered when you pulled back, both hands reaching up to cup his cheeks. “I’m so, so proud.” 

Leonard’s eyes closed, tightly, and he leaned into your fingers, turning his face to kiss your palm. “I couldn’t have done it without you. Without the whole team, you know that.” 

“I know,” you agreed, before pulling your hand away to gently stroke his forehead, pushing his hair back. “And don’t you forget it. But you deserve a little bit of a credit, too.” 

“A little bit.” Leonard’s smirk showed up, turned into a smile as he reached up to grab your hand, holding it in both of his, squeezing it. “And now, I think I deserve a bit of a nap. You mind if Dr. M’Benga takes over the rest of my shift?” 

“You’re asking me if I mind?” you laughed, shaking your head. “I think you deserve sleep just as much as you deserve credit. A lot.” With a smile, you let go of his hand, a final squeeze as you turned to the desk. “Go sleep. I’ll handle the cleanup, Christine can work with M’Benga to finish out the day.” 

“Y/N.” 

When ou turned back to face him you were blindsided by the way he grabbed you. Firm around the waist, spinning you towards him so he could kiss you. It was dramatic, romantic – whatever it was, it made your eyes widen in shock before closing in bliss. 

He almost dipped you, too, one hand on the back of your head to hold you, the other wrapped around your waist. Both of your arms lifted to cross behind his neck, and when he pulled back, it was to breathe, his forehead pressing against yours. 

“What was that for?” you asked, blinking a few times, grinning from ear to ear. He'd never done anything like that before, nothing even close. 

Not that you were exactly complaining, of course, but. The question needed to be asked. 

Leonard just chuckled, biting his lower lip before his eyes met yours, eyes brighter and deeper than you’d ever seen them. “You really think I was gonna let you sneak away without telling you I love you, too?” 

Your cheeks flushed, your eyes widening. He'd heard, and he'd known, and, well. If that didn’t deserve another kiss… what did? He was fierce, and wonderful, and beautiful, and as you stared at your favorite doctor, your favorite chief medical officer, you couldn't help but leaned in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're just gonna pretend that all areas are inspected by an admiral for inspections, as that is what felt right in my head. who knows? (well, probably someone, but that person is not me.) 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this part! i promise the next one will hopefully be more lighthearted!

**Author's Note:**

> hey, guys. i know everyone (especially in the united states) have been on an emotional roller coaster these last few days. if you would like to support the black lives matter movement, go to blacklivesmatter.carrd.co to find out ways you can help.
> 
> follow me @qvid-pro-qvo on tumblr.com for more reader-inserts!


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